I hated him! A lot of people dislike him. I’m referring to one of the few people who adds up to the weight of my excess baggage. Hate may be such a strong word but what’s certain is that I don’t love him. Never did. At least, that’s how it felt. Harsh, I know. The ill will was mutual. He similarly had ill feelings towards me. It’s most likely that he hates me as hell err I mean as well. Let’s refer to him here as “Joe Raw Soul”. Quite fittingly (other than it’s a play on his real name), his soul was in a way raw; immature considering his age and position. His power of influence did away with the promise of my affluence. I’ve lost so much, as much as I got lost. I thought I’ve found the way as much as I’ve been learning the truth. However, the extramundane refuge and perceived humble life wasn’t giving. That may have been a conscious course of action but there’s some level of insignificance. Consumed by pride, I was unforgiving. The Way, The Truth and The Life, I don’t deserve it. Just yet… Forgiveness is needed…
A victim of corporate politics, I’ve had it, I said. For some context: “Joe Raw” and I used to be under the employment of the country’s top retail company. He was from the executive level, I was from management. Superior vs subordinate, much like authority over functionality. Rich vs poor. There, I’ve proven my proficiency time and again, as much as I’ve added to the company’s worth. Till then, everything was smooth sailing… There are avant-garde business plans and strategies I’ve conceptualized and initiated over the years, yet “Joe Raw” had the audacity to discredit the value I’ve brought to the table. If I’d be brutally honest, I’d say, they were being fiscally calculating and wanted someone else. To the point, they exploited loopholes against my growth. And so, I didn’t reach the potentiality of prosperity. Other executives and top bosses trusted me though, however they were either from other business units or do not have administrative mandate over my employment footing. I was offered better opportunities several times under the same multinational group of companies. I would have been “pirated” if they wanted to let go of me and that of what was in the pipeline considering my potential contribution still… That acknowledgment made me feel indispensable like I was an irreplaceable valuable asset. My business plans and proposals were rather feasible over his… That earned his ire and as it appeared, he got personal. I’ve had it. Corporate politics. I could have stayed but I couldn’t tolerate the dog-eat-dog manipulative aspect of it all anymore. I tendered my resignation. People close to him, only due to his condescending authority at least, acknowledged behind his back the disadvantage of my departure over his apparent futile employment. That’s what I’ve been told. I was comforted by their attestations with the fact that it’s the company’s loss. I’ll be missed, they expressed; why not him instead, they surmised. That stroked my ego. It strengthened the subtle air of arrogance in me. The more I hated him.
It’s been almost 9 years since then and about a year after I’ve been spiritually awakened. At least I thought that was the start of such a reflective journey. Sometimes, I think there are also those specious influences of enlightenment but were actually enticements that lured me into misleading perceptions. Those get dismissed usually as sometime along the way, I’d get triggered by that pride-inducing injustice every evocation now and then. I get reminded to be more understanding and accepting of every eventuality happening for a reason. To no avail, I justify my unforgiving nature as normal as man’s ego and as supposedly acceptable as my intolerance of Joe Raw’s condescending attitude undeserving of sympathy. “Joe’s rude.” As ignoble as it was, I felt vindicated and even found satisfaction in seeing his downfall happen. That proved true upon hearing of a court case filed against him. I was disillusioned by the law of karma. But what made it more difficult to simply shrug it off is how I was rather more concerned about my hurt ego.
On more than one occasion, as if trying to tell me of the right thing to do, Jesus’ commandment for humankind to love one another kept on popping up. More challenging about that is to love your enemies. Along the way, I’ve experienced other relationship failures with friends, close friends in fact. Hurt, I somehow questioned why I’m getting subjected to these betrayals. Friendship that mattered, thus, I was affected. With “Joe Raw” however, it wasn’t friendship. So in a way, of different scenarios, my reactions varied. I started to think that I’m being led away from them for some humbling realizations to take place. The difference is the indifference, it didn’t lead me away but rather the indignation remained. I carried that resentment unmindful really of the animosity between me and them. Likewise accompanied by pride, I didn’t give a damn as I don’t need them anyway as some sort of a coping mechanism. Loving your enemies seems easier than rekindling our relationship… And as if by some celestial message, I was reminded of that ‘love commandment’ through a dream.
In that dream, “Joe Raw” was there. ~ Vividly, in some convenient store, there was an awkward encounter as we bumped into each other. We acknowledged each other’s presence with a civil nod. As if we were both made aware that it wasn’t a chance encounter by all means, we hugged and didn’t even utter any apology or something. Right there and then, we knew we were letting go of any hard feelings between us. ~ That was it. Then I woke up.
I woke up feeling a little lighter. I woke up with a renewed sense of purpose. I woke up knowing that my dream was about forgiveness. More than forgiving those I believe wronged me, it was more of forgiving myself first. Pride has consumed me all along. I’ve wronged myself. I was obliviously full of myself to even see the other side as well as the bigger picture. I didn’t realize how all those things leading up to this were interconnected humbling experiences to show me The Way, tell me The Truth and allow me to experience The Life… only if I’m deserving. I’m not. In every trying situation, it’s showing us the path through a learning curve, an avenue to convey the truth about a life worth living… In every fall, we could always stand up and move on. We may be enlightened by facts and the realities of life. Life goes on but without love, it ain’t worth it.
Love is of wide-ranging levels. There are several manifestations and extent. It’s not that I already love “Joe Raw” just like that. Of the different kinds of love, it’s probably the “non-love” kind which is applicable to how we are to forgive and forget. Non-love might be misconstrued as “not love” but it is, most likely, for the likes of strangers, random people, and even enemies. It’s not like we’ll be chummy chummy and all over each other. It meant letting go of the negativities that’s slowing us down. It means you care enough to even forget… It has been said that “it’s easy to forgive but not forget…” Not forgetting is keeping the enmity existent, bad blood still flows within the core of one’s being. Through that dream, it’s not like I’m letting go of that bad experience because, yes, it’s likely that you won’t forget that but what you’re getting over is the affliction. That no matter how time will remind you of it, only the lessons and reasons as to why it happened in the first place is what you’d even realize and accept. Pride makes it difficult, as much as it’ll also be what hinders us to completely move on. It’s a realization how our faith in God is put to the test. Thus, more than ‘non-love’, there’s also ‘philautia’ (self love). Love yourself not to subject yourself to that affliction, as with it, you’re the one really getting hurt, not just emotionally but it hurts your chances of being truly worthy of forgiveness founded on ‘Agape’, God’s love… Therefore, to forgive and forget is love.
Now, that’s from my side of the story. How about from “Joe Raw Soul’s” perspective? That’ll totally depend on him. It’s his own path. I have no idea if he likewise went through the same realization or is still consumed by pride. I don’t see the need to reach out, I prayed for him. Should there be some sort of a closure for whatever it’s worth? It’s not necessary. Another thing that makes the forgiving process amongst people hard is the expected confirmation from the aggrieved party. The pain and pride usually become the culprit in the austerity and the refusal to forgive, more so forget. Without that acceptance, it’s some form of comeuppance and damnation meant to further guilt-trip the offender. There’s that heavy feeling that remorse is pointless and won’t suffice without the victim/plaintiff’s confirmation as if it’s the ultimate judgment.
In this “forgive and forget issue”, what’s profoundly forgotten actually is that we’re too concerned about the one we’ve wronged but not The One who’s most hurt among all. Most often than not, we find fault and who to blame. We forgo the sensibility behind rationality. Forgiveness is rather sought from the casualty for all the liability-negating, conscience-clearing, guilt-alleviation and sentence-reducing purposes but not much on one’s moral obligation and spiritual well-being. The Ultimate Judge isn’t given much credit and recognition for His power as the ultimate arbiter of justice. We forget Him as The One bearing the conclusive absolution and atonement for everyone. We forget to forgive, how to forgive and Who Truly Forgives. He knows the guilt and the pain we’re hoping to be free from… Though the path we’re going through, with curbs, hurdles, potholes and all along the way, is all part of the divine plan we are meant to experience. A path where we are to lay down and let go of the heaviness of our excess baggage while picking up lessons, values and realizations. The road for diverse circumstances that we are meant to trudge, to be shared and to learn from. Yes, it’s easier said than done but God is our guide to and along that road to forgiveness. We have our own mound of issues to surmount. This is “nothing” compared to those facing a much more “unforgivable/unforgettable situation” for a heavy burden. True, to forgive and forget is not simply doable… However, it’s God’s will with a purpose. His grace. His mercy. With Him, nothing is impossible.
I’ve lost so much. It was tough but even the “regular Joe” in me (or in everyone), we’re meant to go through our own “Joe’s road”. I non-love you, “Joe Raw”! If we meet along the way, in a convenient store perhaps, that’ll be convenient, and a cup of joe would be nice.